I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
