I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
