no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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