I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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