hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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