then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
