I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He felt like a one man threesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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