My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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