I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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