I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
