found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
