: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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