don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
