I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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