My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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