I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
