i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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