you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
