I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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