OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
