why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
