And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
