Where is the hickey?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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