You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
