Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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