how can u be prego again
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
