She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
