i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
