That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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