Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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