I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
