Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
