U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
