So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
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i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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