im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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