Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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