Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
