I am midnight drunk by noon
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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