he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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