I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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