You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
