Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found the puke drawer
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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