one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm too high and old for this...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
