you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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