just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
