My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
