Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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