Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
