my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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