my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
