Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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