If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
