4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
