you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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