How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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